A Coming Out Story in the City of Jodhpur
WORDS AND IMAGES BY LAUREN RATTRAY
EDITED BY NEHAA BIMAL
“The groom looked so nice. He’s so handsome,” D said to his mother who was sitting next to him at home after the wedding of some friends. “You only ever notice boys. What’s that about?”, his mother asked him. 19-year-old D, as he’ll be referred to in this story, took this opportunity to come out to his family as being gay, a moment that didn’t come easily or quickly. Since he was 8 years old, D felt a sense of distance between himself and others. “I didn’t feel like I was from this world,” he told me while carefully decorating my hand with henna designs inspired by his mother. Growing up, D was bullied for being too girly and abused by his older brother for having certain mannerisms—like the way he clapped—that people around him associated with the trans community seen around Rajasthan. But he didn’t feel connected to the transgender world either. When D was 15 and he got his first phone, his world opened up as he found the Sambhali Trust Garima Project page on Instagram—an initiative dedicated to sexual minorities in Jodhpur.
Project Garima (Dignity) offers a safe drop-in center for members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, providing professional support for those who suffer from physical, mental and financial abuse to learn about their rights and find a community. Project Garima’s mission is to “sensitize and build a bridge between the LGBTQIA+ community and mainstream society.” Weekly meet-ups, Queer parties, nature hikes and workshops hosted at Sambhali Trust provide a platform to speak about gender stereotypes, emotional and physical health, HIV and STD awareness, and transgender voting rights, amongst other important issues facing the community.
In August 2021, D visited the center for the first time and was overwhelmed at the sight of boys dressed in colourful skirts with sarees draped over their jeans and t-shirts, dancing, filling up the space with their energy. D felt the fear of judgment and the isolation he always carried with him leave when he entered through the door. “At Sambhali, I have people I can relate to,” he says. This community of people identifying across the rainbow spectrum of sexuality helped D identify his own feelings that he couldn’t articulate before. “Can you believe that their parents prayed for boys?”, Sambhali Trust’s founder, Govind Singh Rathore laughs as he watches a group of Garima members spin at top speed to Bollywood music.
Every Sunday, members meet to socialize, dance, and perform for each other and anyone in the office who passes by. “When they leave from these doors, things are different,” says Rathore. The Garima Project hosted the first ever 2SLGBTQIA+ rally in Jodhpur, in a city where equal rights and acceptance of the queer and transgender community is still not fully realized.
Aida, a Sambhali volunteer from France, shares how they could see how free the members felt when they visited the centre. “They have the freedom to be loud and be heard because maybe this is the only place they can really talk,” says Aida.
“At Sambhali, I have people I can relate to”
After six months with the Garima Project, D came out to his mother, father and brother. Unfortunately, it was not the safe community he found at Sambhali that spurred on the decision to come out to his family. A close friend of his had become controlling and threatened to reveal D’s sexuality to his parents. Wanting to be the one to tell them, he finally did. “I like boys and I don’t have shame for it,” D said that day to his mother, with whom he has always had a close relationship.
His father’s first question was whether or not D was “sleeping around with boys.” A common misconception around the gay community in Jodhpur is that gay men are in pursuit of just sex, rather than having healthy emotional relationships. “Once I’m economically independent, I see myself living with my partner who will be a man,” D says.
One week after his coming out, D’s parents began to show their understanding. The acceptance by his parents is not a common story for all the members at the Garima Project. Most members have not yet come out to their family and some of the young men are already married to women, unable to truly be themselves outside of Sambhali’s walls.
Recognizing his interest in front desk work, the Sambhali Foundation awarded D a scholarship for a three-year diploma at the Institute of Hotel Management that he is currently pursuing. He believes that this educational opportunity offered by Sambhali led to his parent’s acceptance of his sexuality. “My parents were assured that I wasn’t derailing from life and that I can be gay and still participate in society with economic stability.” Sambhali being a space that provides financial support and networking opportunities made it easier for D’s parents to accept him as he is.
Being gay has not changed D’s fairytale dream about love. “I’ve always wanted that movie kind of relationship with cuddling and spending time together,” D says. He shows me his favourite love songs by India’s most influential singer, the legendary Lata Mangeshkar. The concept of marriage, especially the traditional activities around Rajput marriages, is what D hopes for one day. In October, India’s Supreme Court refused to legalize same-sex marriage, saying it was an issue for the Parliament to create such a law, disappointing LGBTQIA+ couples in the country who are seeking equal rights after the repeal of the colonial ban on gay sex in 2018.
Eeshita Patyal, a Sambhali volunteer from Jaipur and the translator shares why Sambhali’s Garima Project is so impactful in Jodhpur: “Jodhpur, and Rajasthan in itself, is a very orthodox society when it comes to these things. Sexuality and sexual practices are things that are very private. These are not things discussed in public. It’s not the fact that it’s only about sex education and awareness in the organization, but the fact that the spectrum of sexuality exists here. The existence of the Garima Project is a big thing,” she says.
“ It’s not the fact that it’s only about sex education and awareness in the organization, but the fact that the spectrum of sexuality exists here. The existence of the Garima Project is a big thing.”
“The way that people are very open-minded within Sambhali…I hope this becomes a popular view among society. The open-mindedness here is small in numbers, so we need it to grow,” says D.
While demonstrating a classical Indian dance on the rooftop of Sambhali’s guesthouse, D receives a traditional Rajputi Poshak dress from his friend for Delhi Pride happening in November. He pulls out the bright red fabric trimmed with shimmery gold embroidery and drapes it over his shoulder. Blood red, D tells me, is his favourite colour because it is the colour of love. D used to ask himself, “Why did God make me so girlish? I used to wish in the next life that God would make me straight,” he reminisces. “But now,” he says, “I don’t feel that way. I feel really okay with who I am and I wish God will make me gay even in the next life.”
To learn more about the Garima Project, visit their website.
